Tanya told me tonight that there is a paper racket being run in the dorms for students who don't want to write their own papers. Instead, these individuals pay other students to write their papers for them.

Like any crime, plagiarism simulataneously fascinates and repulses me. Part of me wants to figure out how I would run my own paper-writing business. After all, I am pretty good at writing, and I'd be able to charge all kinds of money and desperate students would pay! (Obviously I would never do this, especially as a teacher--could you imagine reading your own work?) Another part of me really wants to play detective and figure out who is doing this at Union, and "bust" them. What a heady sense of satisfaction that would be, striking fear into the hearts of students everywhere.

But why anyone would even pay for this service just astounds me. Doing plagiarism right is not that hard, people. Really. It takes work, yes, but it's not hard.

First of all, find a paper on a topic that you can at least converse on. That way, if you have to talk to your teacher in conference or in class, you will not sound like a complete idiot.

Secondly, read the paper several times. Make sure you really know what it is saying. While "getting to know" the paper, also check out some of the sources included in the works cited (I'll tell you why in a minute).

Then, after you've read the paper several times, begin rewriting it. Pay special attention to the intro and the conclusion--consider personalizing the intro by including a story of your own about why this topic interests you. As you rewrite the paper, make sure to change all the words that are not in your daily vocabulary--I don't mean just the really hard words, but even the words or phrases that are not the way you would actually say something. Except for the quotes, which have to stay the way they are, you need to paraphrase everything!

Include some errors, as well--mix up a period and a semicolon here or there, misspell a word or two, and include some awkward phrasing, a run-on, and an improperly formatted citation. If you're really not a great writer, even consider messing with the general organization of the paper . . . not enough to get a bad grade, but enough so that the flow isn't perfect.

Finally, consider throwing in a few quotes from the sources you checked out that you yourself found, just to make sure you differentiate yourself enough from the original. Also, delete some of the quotes that the original paper used, and even some of the sources. You don't want your teacher indexing every article that has ever used Stephen A. King's source on Reggae and Rastafarian politics, for example--she might find the article you are plagiarizing.

Don't forget, before you hand it in, to make sure that your font is consistent, that your name is on the front page, and that you change the title!

This way maybe, just maybe, your teacher won't realize you've plagiarized--although with the amount of work it would take, you might as well write the damn paper.